Pygmalion

Have been feeling a lot more at peace with myself and the world of late. So that's given me ample time to ruminate on a lot of things.
I was contrasting my IITD days with my time in IIMA and the first thing that stood out were the kind of friendships I have had with people here. Now I've always considered myself to be a loner kind of guy at the end of it all, but I have to acknowledge, the kind of friends you have does have a bearing on your attitude towards life,at least for the time that you are in close touch. People say that birds of a feather flock together, but to an extent I think even the reverse is true, birds who flock together become of a feather.
The one thing that I can say about my IIT friends is that they were the most discouraging and pessimistic people I have ever met and that kind of rubbed on me as well. Don't get me wrong, I still love them but being with them 24/7 made me a lot like them, giving up on life, hope, optimism and in the end on myself. That's so unlike the true me, I am the eternal optimist, like to think that I have some amount of ability and reasonable internal drive to achieve, but being with them changed that somewhat.
It kind of reminds me of the OB concept we learnt, 'Pygmalion in Management', to put it briefly, a lot of what we achieve is a result of the expectations of ourselves and others around us. Those who believe in themselves tend to achieve. Even those who have people around them who believe in them, even if it is a groundless faith, tend to achieve. The example given is that of 'Sweeney's miracle', where a janitor eventually became a computer expert simply due to the encouragement offered by James Sweeney,a professor of psychology. Doesn't it make you think, what greater gift could you give a person than these simple words, "I believe in you"?
From a young age, I too have had family and friends who have believed in me. In school, my close group of friends were always like "Shubhang is bright, intelligent, well read, honest and doesn't abuse" and it felt good to hear that and I actively strove to live up to this image. Similarly, a lot of my aunts really doted on me, because, and I say this without any arrogance or self-aggrandisement, they perceived me to be a 'good son', good in studies, well behaved, soft-spoken and all that. In school too, my teachers thought that I was something more than just someone who would learn stuff by rote and ooze it out in exams. One of the most encouraging things ever told to me was said by my English teacher in Class 10th, when we were discussing what I wanted to be in life, she remarked "Shubhang, I never want you to tell me that you want to be a doctor or an engineer, you are much too intelligent for that". Again, I must put in a modesty disclaimer, I don't agree with a lot of what she said, but the faith she showed in me was what was amazing. What she really meant was that she would be disappointed if I were to become a typical engineering grad, doing a software coolie job in Infosys or something, she wanted me to aspire to more than that. It is something which has always stayed with me. I don't know if her statement is true or not, but I know one thing for sure, if I ever achieve anything, those words would have had a part to play in that.
Once I entered IITD, I made friends with a lot of guys in my civil department and in particular, I was close to two of them. Both were disappointed with their JEE ranks, as was I, and as is common in the first year, we wanted to do well in order to get a department change, something very difficult to achieve in IITD. Halfway through the first semester, with the rigour of the IIT system taking its toll on us, most people gave up on the department change dream. I too was not doing very well and at that point, if I were to think rationally, I would have probably dropped the idea too. Yet, I had faith in myself and most importantly, faith in the faith of others in me, surely it had to have some basis. I remember sitting down with my friend one day and he told me point blank, "yaar, if you're thinking of a department change, forget about it, it's too difficult for you". That kind of hurt, but I paid no heed to it and resolved to keep working, though not sure if I would get it. A year is a long time in an IIT and my sustained effort saw me not just get a department change but an upgrade into the highest department possible that year. My friend was genuinely astonished.
As the four years unfolded, my friend slipped more and more into depression and pessimism and a lot of that was evident in his dealings with me. Our conversations, whenever they involved what we could hope for and do in the future, always followed the same pattern, he not believing I could do it. "Getting into IIMA? Difficult for you man." That changed when I started topping the Career Forum All India tests. After that he was very supportive of me. But the point is that I always have to prove myself to him to earn his backing, it is never unconditional. Even now, whenever I go back to Delhi, I meet up with him and the pattern has not changed. I tell him that I wanted to be a mathematician, he replies point blank, "dude, do you really think you can achieve something in mathematics, I mean it's really difficult". I then told him that I wanted to be a writer too at some point, pat comes the reply. "dude, I'm not sure you could ever be that good, it's really difficult and it is something you have to have inherently, if you haven't done anything by now, you probably won't ever". So you see, there's never an unconditional "go ahead dude, I'm sure you'll do well", even if based more on hope and faith than on hard facts.
However, nowadays I am trying to break out of this second-hand pessimism that I inherited from him. Take the example of writing itself, I always thought that I was a decent writer, but never had the courage to publish anything I wrote because I used to think, "what if my friend is right, what if I am actually not good enough?". Well last week I wrote a small piece titled "For Whom the Bells Toll", same as the previous post in my blog. I posted it on the Literary nb of Dbabble, our online notice board and lo and behold, I counted 36 messages saying that it was very well written and someone even suggested that I take up writing as a career. Again, let me say that I am not trying to sound arrogant here, but after 4 years of being told nothing but, "dude, your writing most likely isn't good enough", I had forgotten what praise sounds like. And that kept me away from the joy of doing what I liked and I rue the opportunities I missed out because of this fear, both at school and at IITD. So much frustration and all about nothing.
I don't think that I'm the kind of person who has a lot to say to anyone, but if there were two things that I would like to say to anyone who read the above lines,they would be: firstly, follow your heart and believe in yourself, you can't afford to be your own worst enemy in life and secondly, as far as possible, try and back others to achieve their dreams, no matter how unlikely they may be. You can't help whether they achieve them or not, but they'll always be greatful that you believed in them. Sometimes, in friendships and relationships, it's better to let reason, logic and calculation take a back-seat.

"You are the wid beneath my wings"