For Whom the Bells Toll

Man, if anyone ever reads my blog, they'll probably wonder if I am some kind of perennial grouch. So let me put in some lighter stuff as well.
My cousin brother is getting married next month. My cousin sister is getting married next year. My friend Y, a guy I have known for the past 6 years, from our very first day in IITD is getting engaged in December. My BTP partner , Z, a guy with whom in my view no woman in her right mind would even enter a lift, is getting married next year as well to a woman who for all practical purposes seems to have an IQ>100.
You see what I'm getting at right? Try as I might to deny it, my generation is getting old. And in India that means entering matrimony. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against marriage, even my parents are married, but you know, I never thought that this day would come for us. I mean, just a couple of years ago, we were all young men, in the prime of our youth, doing all kinds of asinine stuff, roaming aimlessly, no thoughts of domesticity in our minds. And now, people everywhere around me seem to be spawning dynasties.
But then again, its rather hypocritical of me to be launching a broadside against early marriages. After all as far as marriage proposals go, I too have made one, that too at the ripe old age of 17. I remember that day distinctly, she and I were classmates and were sitting on the last bench one fine day, laughing and sharing jokes when I decided to pop the question, " so, ABC, will you marry me?" (yes it was that matter of fact and upfront). Her reaction was not unexpected, she just laughed it off. I like to think that she was flattered, but then again, maybe I kid myself. Actually, now that I think of it, I wonder what I would have done next if she had said yes. Would have been quite a problem, you can't just propose to a girl and then when she accepts say that it was all for a lark.
Would have made a hell of a great story to tell my parents too.

Mom: Hello dear, how was school today?

Self: not bad, same old stuff, physics practical, a couple of homework assignments to submit tomorrow. Pretty ordinary. Oh and by the way, I'm married now, just thought you might like to know.

Mom: What?!!

Self: yeah, I know, it's outrageous, homework that too in class 12th, what a disgrace...

Mom (apoplectic by now): How could you do such a thing, go talk to your father

(Dad's in front of the TV)

Self: Hi Papa, what's up

Dad: You know the real problem with this country? Incompetent fools in positions of responsibility taking stupid decisions that destroy the lives of millions.

Self: What're you watching, the Budget?

Dad: No, cricket. Look at this idiot, putting the opposition into bat when everyone knows that in the later part of summer in England, pitches are a beauty to bat on, unless it happens to be a leap year....

Self: Talking of stupid decisions, I got married today to a classmate of mine...

Dad: ...in which case you should bowl first in Headingly and Old Trafford, unless of course it's the second week of Septemb...what?

Self: I said, I got married today.

Dad: What do you mean got married?!!!

Self: Ok this is how it goes, human societies over the years have evolved a custom called marriage, which is a system under which two people, usually one male and one female, enter into a sort of contractual agreement to share domestic duties and bring up the next generation, hence it is a socio-economic alliance between......

Dad: Idiot, I know what marriage is, I meant how the hell did you manage to do this?

Self: I didn't really expect her to say yes, but once she did, I didn't want to go back on my word, I mean, it looks bad doesn't it?

Dad: I always knew you were the black sheep of the family, much worse than that idiot cousin of yours...

Self: Look you'll like her, she's from a nice Punjabi family, her dad's a......

Dad: PUUUNNNNJJJJJAAAABBBBBIIIII? What do you mean PUUUUNNNNNJJJJJAAAAABBBBBBIIIIII??!!

Self: Ok here we go again, Punjab is a state in the north-western part of India, stretching from the foothills of the Himalayas to the Great Indian Plains, historically, a cradle of civilization, was partioned in...

Dad: Idiot, I know what Punjab is, it's just that...never mind that's beside the point, just tell me, Einstein, how do you plan to support this wife of yours?

Self: Hadn't really thought about it, guess we'll have to fall back on you..

Dad (in one breath): Fall back on us!! I knew you were the black sheep of the family, brought disgrace to us, much like that idiotic cousin of yours, but that's beside the point, listen to me smarty, if you think that I'm going to finance you on your wild adventures then you've got another think coming, I mean you're free to collect a harem if you want but if expect me to...

Self: Clean bowled, it was a good ball too.

Dad: Huh? Oh ok. Yes, I knew he would get him out, it's all a question of pitching it in line, between the stumps, unless of course, you're bowling in Perth, where because of the Freemantle Doctor, you're better off pitching it slightly outside off. Anyway, what were we talking about?

Self: I got married today.

Dad: Oh yeah, silly of me, I forgot. So like I was saying, congratulations and I hope you'll be happy, look forward to meeting her, maybe you can bring her around some time. Where are you off to now?

Self: Have to do homework for tomorrow.

Dad: Homework in Class 12? What a disgrace...


You know, my real problem with my friends/cousins getting married so soon is that, like Jeeves said, once the Mrs. comes in, the relics of bachelorhood go out. Soon when everyone around you is married/is getting married/is looking to get married, the social circle of the bachelor starts contracting, becoming smaller and smaller, till it's a black hole and you become invisible to everyone. Then what do you do in order to pass time on a lazy Saturday evening? The wild, irresponsible frolics of le temps perdu hardly seem feasible when your bosom buddies have to puch a card each time they leave the house. I mean look at me and my BTP partner, we spent most of our final year astride his trusty bike, Lords of all that we surveyed. And now...

Self: Hi BTP partner, wanna cruise this evening.

BTP partner: No man, can't do that. Have to go shopping for Venetian blinds in the evening with the Mrs. and then her second cousin's father in law is coming to visit.

Self (after checking if I'm at the right address): Come on man, we'll ride out on the highway and then go to PVR and check out the women there and maybe....oh Hi Mrs. BTP partner, didn't see you standing there, can I take your husband out to ogle at nubile young college girls just to relive old times.

(Last thing I remeber seeing, just before the door slams in my face, is the look of helplessness on my buddy's face, a look which is crying out, "rescue me man, rescue me, I mean we're talking Venetian blinds here")


So you see, I have a vested interest in making sure that my bachelor friends remain bachelors. The biggest impediment to that however, is my own family. My uncle is trying to get his son, another cousin of mine jump into the matrimony game as well. He's bored to death, now nearing retirement and so to pass time, he scouts around for suitable matches for his son. And the inventor of the internet would have never imagined the terror that he was helping unleash on bachelorhood - matrimonial sites. Now my uncle after finishing his sessions on ICICI direct, logs into bharatmatrimony.com, indianbrides.com, tamilsangam.com, entering my cousin's details in them. My cousin is waging a brave battle so far, but I fear he will be one more martyr to the cause. And then I will have reason to be really worried. You see, he's just a year elder to me and my father would hate to be upstaged by his relatives in the filial matrimony stakes. But this time, I'm going to be prepared for him...

Dad: Uh son, I think, you know, it's time for you to get married, why even that idiot cousin of yours has a son and I'll be damned if my son is going to be a....

Self: Sure Dad, let's discuss this in front of the TV, I think the game's about to start and this time we're batting first

Dad: Batting first!!!! Who makes these jokers the captain? Everyone knows that the low pressure area in the Arabian Ocean means that the ball is likely to jag around....I'm going to write to my MP about this, they haven't heard the last of me....


With 210 days of cricket lined up on ESPN-Star, I think my chances of surviving are pretty good. Rupert Murdoch, thank you so much, I could marry you*.




* In a figurative way of course!